positive but still venty so cwing, personal stuff, full of typos
been feeling really down about itself lately. as it has began to unmask as it goes by day by day, it is now dealing with problems that it no longer has the coping mechanisms for. it specifically unlesrned those coping mechanisms because they were unhealthy, but not using them is really hardit has been really easy to get in this trap where it feels like it isnt enough, isnt putting in enough effort, that it is stupid and a failure and worthy of mockery, but has many many good moments of clarityand joy as well when it does do things in a positive way or managed to cope with something in a healthy way
what kicked off this whole thing was the absolutely besutiful positive messages in the videos uploaded by a_lilian on youtube, they are what helped it open up about its own identity, open up about acknowledging its own disabilities and loving itself because of them and realizing that it is okay to need help and okay to do things that make it easier to get through day by day
it has been a bit since it had watched some of their content, but it went back and began rewatching one of their videos, and just hearing somebody else relate to the same struggles that it does just sort of really feels like a figurative kick in the kidney in a weird positive way. it forces this one to acknowledge that what it experiences is very real and not at all made up, and not at all excuses that it has made “because it is lazy” or “because it wants attention”
it doesnt even remember what in the video inspired it to post about this at all but it is in the bathroom trying to get resdy to go to bed just absolutely in tears which both hurt an incredible amount but being so much relief
it had hardly been able to function for the last few days and this meltdown-esque feeling it is going through feels like it is definitely going to help with
it is very thankful for all of the beautiful creatures and beings that it interacts with on here
it shouldnprobably actually sleep